Today I wonder why I even tried.
I’ve been feeling like garbage lately – had some sort of virus that’s been knocking me down pretty hard – and I had decided yesterday that today I wasn’t going to church. Kimball is sick too, and I just didn’t think I was up to going to church with all three kids, by myself, for 2 hours of Stake Conference. Sacrament meeting is hard enough when he is there, and it’s only just over an hour long. But I woke up this morning feeling significantly better (the best I’ve felt in about 5 days) and feeling like it was important to try and go anyway, so I got the kids ready and off we went.
On the way to church, Isaac announced to anyone who cared to listen that he has been drawing on his walls with his UV pen. Perfect. Just lovely. (He was bringing the pen to church today because it has a light on the lid, and today is Stake Conference broadcast to our building, which means the lights would be off. He wanted to see what he was doing, and I told him that he could bring it if he would keep it down and not be obnoxious.) So of course the immediate consequence for his announcement was that Mom is now the proud owner of the end of the pen that draws, and he hid the end with the UV light somewhere in the car. Tomorrow, he gets to wash his walls. And maybe the TV room. And maybe Cambria’s room. Turns out there is a possibility he has been drawing on all those rooms (Cambria claims he has, Isaac swears he only draws on his own walls). I never would have known he was drawing on the walls since you have to shine the UV light at it to even see the marks, but he told on himself so of course I can’t just let it slide. Have to have some sort of accountability for this.
Lovely. The five minute drive to church is going oh so well.
We get to church, and in we go. Find a spot in the back by a door, because I know what’s in store for us today and I’m hoping to make as little spectacle as possible. Cambria has lately been the issue as far as church is concerned, and today was no exception. In fact, today was probably one of the worst days at church I’ve had with her in a very long time. She has such a temper, and she is violent about it (I wonder if it is a learned thing or if she would do it without the example of her sister?). Today was especially bad, since I’m still not feeling 100% and it took all the energy I had left to keep Cambria from hurting me too much. Several trips out to the hall, past the foyer (Two chairs? Really? That’s all there are out there? And of course they are filled with ADULTS. What the crap? What about those of us who actually have a good reason for being out here??? Sit on the floor?) and in to one of the (thankfully) empty classrooms. Continue the beating of mother from child. Commence Mom holding on to child’s wrists in an attempt to keep the beating to a minimum. TRYING to stay at church, because that’s what I’m supposed to do, and that’s where I’m supposed to be, and, gosh dang it, that’s the whole reason I dragged them here in the first place anyway! People walking by, looking in, listening to my child scream about how I’m hurting her and how I have to let go and of course now I’m feeling judged. Not exactly why I came to church today. A trip to the car, but really, how long can I leave the other two unsupervised in there? Only so much can be expected of 6- and 8-year-olds. So back in Cambria and I go, to make an attempt to sit and maybe Mom can listen. Maybe. Ya, that lasted all of 2 seconds, and Cambria’s mad about something else now and the hitting and kicking has started up again.
So we left early, to avoid making more of a scene than we already had. And because I’m now pretty much completely exhausted emotionally and physically. We did make it a whole hour into the meeting, which I guess I should be grateful for, but I didn’t get a thing out of it.
So tell me – why did I try? What was the point? Cambria is in her room until church would have ended. She makes me miss it, then she can spend that time in her room. That was a given. But that still leaves me the rest of the day, and I’m back to feeling crummy again, and then we’ve got a whole day of no school tomorrow. I dread those days.
I don’t know what possessed me to go today, but I suspect it has something to do with this messed-up need I have to do what I am “supposed” to do. That somehow I am not good enough if I don’t do absolutely everything that everyone says I should. That, my friends, is a load of crap, one that I haven’t figured out how to let go of yet. I’m trying – believe me – but it is hard and I still suck at it. I still find myself doing things because that is what I’ve been told, at one time or another, is right. That lands me in a bad place all too often, today being a perfect example.
So here I sit, feeling miserable, wondering what I will do to get through the rest of today and tomorrow, and wanting to just crawl back in bed and hide. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I’m not ready yet (don’t know if I ever will have the courage, actually) to blog about the rest of what’s bothering me today and the past week. Which gets back to being what I’m “supposed” to be and doing what I’m “supposed” to do. I don’t know how to question those things and not feel guilty.
And now I’m rambling. Guess I’m not feeling as well as I thought.