Another day of that anxiety-provoking attitude from my oldest. Quite the unpleasant ride home from school today, and more than a little worrisome hoping that she wouldn’t lash out and physically attack one of the other kids. Concern over her unwillingness to wear her seat belt. Her attitude is, of course, unexplainable to me. I’m sure something happened to provoke her, but I’m equally sure I won’t be able to figure out what it was.
I hate needing to protect my other children. I hate needing to separate them constantly to keep them safe. It feels so terrible. But I don’t know what else to do. Her consequences are under scrutiny from the new therapist, and that always makes me anxious. I don’t know what to do other than what I’ve been doing, and I hate feeling like it’s not good enough or appropriate. Behavior modifying medication was suggested. On one hand I’d love that – just medicate it away. On the other, it doesn’t seem fair to her to simply treat the symptoms without understanding and addressing the actual problem.
She has been lying to me again about a lot of things lately. I get so frustrated because I want to be able to trust her, but she doesn’t make that realistic. It’s hard to feel like I can’t believe anything she says, and she gets frustrated and upset that I don’t trust her, but she isn’t willing to be honest with me either.
I don’t know what must be going on in her brain. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I’ve been absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained lately because of some completely unrelated issues, and I’ve been thankful that we’ve not had any really explosive incidents in the last week or so. But I know that won’t last forever, and eventually I’ll need to deal with the other issue and Erica at the same time and I just worry it will be too much for me. I’m already not sleeping much at night, and not eating a ton, and the stress of Erica’s issues and my own and then knowing I’m letting too many other important things slide (like figuring out school for Cambria, for instance) is really getting to me.
I just want to believe that life won’t be like this forever. But in the day-to-day it feels like it is never ending, and hopeless.