Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just be ok. Why it is that I feel like I need some sort of recognition, some form of appreciation, some acknowledgement that what I do every day actually matters to people.
Tonight I’m angry. It has been a long day. A long day of medicine for my youngest, who has a horrible croupy-sounding cough, and a long day of attitude from my son, who has reminded me over and over during the course of the day that he hates me. And why can’t I just leave him alone? And don’t I know how much I make his life miserable?
And I’m angry. I’ve done this all day, and I was expecting some respite. That’s what I thought the weekend would bring. Yet it hasn’t. And my house is a mess, because I didn’t have the energy to follow through making the kids help clean it yesterday, and because I don’t have the desire to scrub all the toilets and counters AGAIN. Thank you, son, but it is just SO disgusting and I’m just TIRED of cleaning up after you.
And I find myself with a bag of chocolate over and over again. This can’t be a good thing. It never is. It has been worse lately. Worse than it has been in a long time. And I’m just angry.
I’ve been reading about the Holocaust. And listening to podcasts about the feminist movements, and how there is still so much ground to be covered. And it just makes me angry.
I want to feel appreciated. I do so much, but it is stupid, meaningless, mindless, often disgusting stuff. And laundry day is tomorrow. But the kids couldn’t sort their laundry today. So that fight will happen in the morning, which I’m not looking forward to. And waking up all night because of the croupy cough.
My ears hurt from my earplugs. And my stomach hurts from the chocolate. And my tongue hurts from biting it so hard yesterday (hard enough I went into shock – that wasn’t a pleasant experience). My skin is breaking out, again, because I’ve been so stressed and crazy busy lately that showers have been few and far between.
Is any of this related? Is any of it relevant?
Does it really matter? Does ANYTHING matter?
Tonight I’m angry. And it is keeping me awake. I want appreciation. I want recognition. I want more. I want.
And because I want, I feel guilty.