Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just be ok. Why it is that I feel like I need some sort of recognition, some form of appreciation, some acknowledgement that what I do every day actually matters to people.
Tonight I’m angry. It has been a long day. A long day of medicine for my youngest, who has a horrible croupy-sounding cough, and a long day of attitude from my son, who has reminded me over and over during the course of the day that he hates me. And why can’t I just leave him alone? And don’t I know how much I make his life miserable?
And I’m angry. I’ve done this all day, and I was expecting some respite. That’s what I thought the weekend would bring. Yet it hasn’t. And my house is a mess, because I didn’t have the energy to follow through making the kids help clean it yesterday, and because I don’t have the desire to scrub all the toilets and counters AGAIN. Thank you, son, but it is just SO disgusting and I’m just TIRED of cleaning up after you.
And I find myself with a bag of chocolate over and over again. This can’t be a good thing. It never is. It has been worse lately. Worse than it has been in a long time. And I’m just angry.
I’ve been reading about the Holocaust. And listening to podcasts about the feminist movements, and how there is still so much ground to be covered. And it just makes me angry.
I want to feel appreciated. I do so much, but it is stupid, meaningless, mindless, often disgusting stuff. And laundry day is tomorrow. But the kids couldn’t sort their laundry today. So that fight will happen in the morning, which I’m not looking forward to. And waking up all night because of the croupy cough.
My ears hurt from my earplugs. And my stomach hurts from the chocolate. And my tongue hurts from biting it so hard yesterday (hard enough I went into shock – that wasn’t a pleasant experience). My skin is breaking out, again, because I’ve been so stressed and crazy busy lately that showers have been few and far between.
Is any of this related? Is any of it relevant?
Does it really matter? Does ANYTHING matter?
Tonight I’m angry. And it is keeping me awake. I want appreciation. I want recognition. I want more. I want.
And because I want, I feel guilty.
That book, Piggybook, seems so appropriate here. Maybe you should read it to your kids, then level a very significant look at them.
In all seriousness, these are the days that make it easy to understand why women used to go on “vacation.” To the local sanatorium. Don’t do that, though! Try my first suggestion. And if you can, give yourself permission to let the house go for awhile. When I get back, I’d be happy to help you tackle some chores.
Steph I love you. I know I’ve told you before, but again: I love you.
Oh girl i am so sorry. I so know the feeling of being guilty because you want something. It always seems like we should be content to be mothers and homemakers but sometimes, ok all the time, i feel like i have so much more to do and offer the world. I don’t understand everything but i do relate to how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs!
Thanks, Heather. I knew I could count on you to understand. You and me, we have so much more to give.
Yes!!! Its just figuring out how to get that something more without feeling guilty or having others tell you otherwise. Argh if only there were some answers or an instruction manual. Ha ha ha!
Whenever I am really angry and feel like I can’t talk to anoyne about it, I write in my journal. Somehow writing it out makes me feel better afterward. Or put on loud music on your mp3 player and try to listen to music til you feel better. Don’t do or say anything when you are impulsive because you might regret it later. After you’ve come down, try to think of the reason why you are so stressed and angry and consider if it’s really worth it. In my opinion, as long as you are still alive and healthy nothing else really matters that much