I love my kids. They are creative, interesting, curious, fun, happy, smart, cute, and a whole host of other wonderful things. They bring me joy and happiness. They give me comfort and hope. They are wonderful people, and I have great hopes for them as adults.
That said, there are some times when I wonder what on EARTH I was thinking when I decided having children was a good idea. Having children is the single most trying experience I have ever had, and continue to have every day. They test my patience, push my buttons, expect me to drop everything and fulfill their every whim, and are generally thankless about the whole process. Not only that – these children are also a constant source of worry and stress. They have caused me endless hours of pain and distress. And my oldest is only 5. Amazing what an impact these little people have on me!
And what an impact I have on them.
It dawned on me recently that there is something about my parenting technique (namely, anger or frustration) that is not a good influence on my children. Now don’t get me wrong – there is a time and a place for anger directed at children. But when it becomes the general response to my child’s unwillingness to obey or their slow response time when I call, it is not being used effectively. And unfortunately, overuse of anger (as in anything) dulls its effectiveness, and before long the anger has to be stepped up a notch before it makes an impact.
And so I have finally, after 5 years of parenting, begun to take a look at what I’m doing and evaluate its effectiveness. And I’m sorry to say that I fear a large part of the last 5 years needs to be un-taught to those little minds and ears that absorb everything I say and do. Because while I am a happy, sweet, loving person when my children obey, I have not taken the same approach to their discipline. I admit it – I’m a yeller. And yelling doesn’t do anything good for these little people.
So I have begun what I usually do when I want to learn something – reading. I checked out a few books from the library and I’ve read them and started applying the lessons I learned. And it has been AMAZING the difference in my household. I have so much more time now to be happy and play with my kids. I am less drained at the end of my day. I don’t dread the morning of the next day in anticipation of my husband leaving for work. My children have become more willing to obey me and more pleasant to be around. And when they aren’t, I’m more in control of myself and the house doesn’t erupt like a volcano.
So what changed? I’m not doing anything miraculous or spectacular. But there were a few key things I have started doing. I read 1-2-3 Magic and learned that my response to disobedience was causing more problems than the disobedience itself. The no-talking and no-emotion rules have saved me literally HOURS of tantrums and yelling (on my part and the kids’) over the last two weeks since I read it. I also read Parenting with Love and Logic and learned that while it may be easier for me to tell my kids what to do and then make them do it, it is wiser for me to suggest to them that something needs to be done and let them choose for themselves to accomplish it, on their own schedule (within my set time frame, of course). They have been given a choice in their lives, more so than they had before. And it is amazing the way they have responded to these two things.
Now in my defense, I may have made myself out to be much worse than I really am. I’m a good mom. My kids and I get along pretty well, without any serious problems. But now I’m beginning to feel like I’m learning how to help my kids learn to be responsible for themselves, how to be courteous to others, and most of all I’m setting an example of love and sympathy in spite of their occasional unwillingness to do the things they have been asked. And it has made all the difference.
For anyone out there who has children, if you feel you may be struggling with them and discipline or responsibility, I’d highly suggest you read these two books. 1-2-3 Magic is a step-by-step for discipline that (amazingly, considering how simple it is) works like a charm. And Parenting with Love and Logic is a great theory and attitude book, with lots of examples of real application. It opens up all sorts of things I’d never considered in my parenting. And while it may not be as easy (right now, in the short term) as telling them what to do and making them do it or (*sigh*) doing it for them, I do think in the long run it will be better for them and for me. So if your kids are out of hand and your discipline doesn’t work, read these books. If your kids are small and you haven’t really even started dealing with the discipline aspect of their lives yet, read these books. You’ll start out right and save yourself the years of unhappiness and dread that I spent before I found these books.
Good luck, all you parents. We have a huge responsibility to teach our children how to function in this world. It’s our job to show them how to be responsible, caring, self-motivated, collected individuals. And we can do it, with a little learning and a lot of faith.
