Last night, I had one of those nights when everything seems too overwhelming. Spent a good long while sobbing in my sweet husband’s arms. There is just too much expected of me, and too much I don’t know how to fix for my children, and too much for my continued bravery. And so I broke down, after watching the first episode of Parenthood (as recommended by a blog post), and the weight of what I’m dealing with all came crashing down around me. There is something going on, and I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know if I will find the answers I’m searching for in the avenues I am pursuing at the moment.
And just HOW, exactly, and I supposed to know what to do, or how to do it, or even the right place to look for answers? HOW?
And so I cried. And the little things seemed huge, and the big things seemed life-changing, and it all seemed more than I can possibly be capable of dealing with.
All the tears haven’t been released. I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again. I know I don’t know the answers. I know I don’t know where to turn.
But I also know I am trying. And I have to believe that is enough. If I was supposed to know what to do, this child would have come with an owner’s manual. She didn’t. None of them did.
Something big with each of my kids, and while one is beginning to work itself through, the other two seem still so overwhelming that it almost beats me down just thinking about it.
And then on top of that, there’s all the things I’m “supposed” to be doing. All the extras besides what I have decided are the necessities. And there is not enough time in my day to do them all. Or even most of them. Some days, not enough time to even do some or even just one of the extras. Those days, I’m lucky if I manage to do anything besides take care of myself, take care of my marriage, and take care of my children. Those are the necessities, and if that means that the list of extras (reading the Relief Society manual before church on Sunday, for instance, or getting those *#%@ Christmas decorations put away finally, or getting to the store to buy more milk since we are out AGAIN) doesn’t even make it on my radar, then so be it. I have decided not to let anyone (especially myself) guilt me into doing more than I can. It just isn’t going to work. I have to have some sanity, and the rest of these things, while good and worthwhile, just have to take a back seat. Like WAY back. And that has to be ok. It is hard to convince myself of that, but I know it has to be that way. Someday I may be able to read that church lesson before I get there. Someday I may actually have time to weed the yard or steam out the marker stains in the carpet. Someday I may even have the energy to do my visiting teaching again (*gasp*). But for now, I have to do what I absolutely need to, and if I have anything left over at the end of the day, then a few of the highest priority items might make it on my list of “done” as well.
Somehow, barely making it through has to be enough. So please, if you are on my list of extras (I’m sorry you have to be on the extra list and not the necessity list) then please understand that I do care, and I do want to do what I am supposed to be doing for you, but also please know that I am barely keeping my head above water. I haven’t forgotten you. I won’t ever forget you. But I may not be the best at doing what you expect me to. And a few of my tears are for you.
Christine,
First off, I think you are a remarkable woman, wife, and mother. And even though you might feel like you aren’t doing “enough”, you are. Just the fact that you care and want to, shows what kind of person you are. Heavenly Father is fully aware of your struggles, both on the outside and the inside. And only he knows what you need to get through them. I wish our temple was open here because I always find solace when I go there on my own during tough times. If you and Kimball would like to go to the Twin temple though on a Saturday, we would be more than happy to watch our kids for you!
Secondly, I wanted to offer this quote which has been ringing in my head over the last couple of months when I have felt overwhelmed (because let’s face it, our struggles might be different, but I DO know the feeling of feeling inadequate and overwhelmed):
“We women have a lot to learn about SIMPLIFYING our lives. We have to decide what is IMPORTANT and then move along at a pace that is COMFORTABLE for us. We have to develop the MATURITY to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be CONTENT with what we are.”–Marjorie Hinkley.
I posted this on Facebook the other day (not sure if you saw it) and it has brought me much relief. Sometimes simplying our lives with only the necessities is not only required, but BETTER. I always think of this talk by Elder Oaks when I need to reevaluate what my priorities are (it’s a REALLY great talk): http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng&query=good,+better,+best
Lastly, I wanted to offer the idea of going to my hypnotherapist. Her name is Carrie Jacobson and she is phenomonal. I think we spoke about her earlier (for Erika). But she might be good for you to see as well, and I fully believe that hypnotherapy helps a HOST of issues, both physically and mentally. I was skeptical upon doing it, but I know that I wouldn’t have remained as positive as I did throughout treatment last year had it not been for her. I can give you her number if you would like!
Hang in there Christine, keep on doing what you’re doing, it WILL pay off!! š
XXOO
Christina
You’re doing the right thing, mama. Culling things into what’s necessary and what can fall away is the only thing to do sometimes, especially if you’re in survival mode. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.
To say I understand is the understatement of the year. If there is anything I can do to help, feel free to email me.
Christina, thank you for your love and encouragement. I hope you know how much I admire you and your continual optimism and strength. I know you have your down days too – how could you not?? – but you are so consistently up and that is so inspiring to me. I emailed the hypnotist tonight. I’m going to go in and at least meet with her. I’m ready for anything that will help me stay afloat.
Tracy, thank you for your kind words. I follow your blog religiously. Just got turned on to it a few weeks ago and it speaks to me in ways I haven’t found anywhere else. Thank you for your example of honesty and patience. I think it takes a special kind of person to do what you do every day.
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