I will hang on to the small thread of hope that there may, someday, be a breakthrough. I will continue to press forward. I will keep showing love and acceptance even when all I get in return is anger, pain, and belligerence. I will not give up.
Such is my day today. Woke exhausted and the exhaustion isn’t waning. After my day yesterday, draining despite the positives, today has been yet another completely exhausting day. And it is nowhere near over yet.
The screaming. The talking back. The blatant refusal to do as asked. And then she kicked her shoes off so hard as soon as she walked in the house that she knocked a jar to the floor in the kitchen with one flying shoe. Off to her room, screaming and yelling, slamming the door. And I know I need to go up and try to talk with her, try and calm her, and try and soothe her. But how can I give what I don’t have? Patience and love and understanding escape me when I’m this drained.
The one thing that keeps me from falling completely apart today: nobody has been physically hurt. That is a giant blessing.
And so I will drag myself up the stairs, put on my happy face, go in and try to be understanding. See if she will talk to me. Maybe tell me what has her so upset. I suspect a large part of it is related to the 3 hour appointment yesterday and then today’s therapy intake appointment where she had to listen to me detailing to the doctor all her problems and all my concerns. Where she had to chime in and talk about her faults and things that are hard for her. She handled it very well in the moment, but that is my child. Holding it together for the public eye. Never able to be less than perfect in the eyes of the world.
I will not leave her to do this on her own. I will not abandon my child when she needs love and understanding the most, even though she pushes me away. I will not give up.
You are so strong and such an example of what it means to truly love your children. I have faith in you. Good luck. Hugs!