Times like now, I’m reminded of my dirty little secret. The one that haunts me. The one that makes me feel, more than any other fault I’ve got, that I’m a failure. The secret that I hid so well for so many years. The secret that still embarrasses me to admit, but that I’m getting better and better at fessing up to.
My secret: There are days when I hate being a mother. Days when I want to run away. Days when I think there is nothing that could be more miserable than what I endure each and every day of my life. And the worst part of the secret? Most days I feel like this. Not just occasionally, or sometimes, or even frequently. Most.
Does that make me abnormal? I honestly don’t think so. I think a lot (maybe not the majority but still a fair amount) of stay-at-home parents have feelings like mine. Maybe not on as frequent a basis as me, but then again maybe so. Does admitting I feel this way, to myself and other people, make me abnormal? Likely, at least in the culture I live in where being the stay-at-home parent is the ideal.
Don’t misunderstand me: I love my children with all my heart. I’m grateful for the chance I have to be a mother. For a long time I didn’t know if that would ever happen, and so I feel even more guilty that I don’t enjoy this. But this day-to-day stuff just really, really sucks. The laundry, cooking, cleaning, picking up, homework, lessons, fighting, whining, etc – all of it just wears on me. Today was laundry day at my house. I dread Mondays because I know that no matter what I set out to do, I’ll be lucky if I manage to just get the laundry done. And then I feel like I’ve spent a whole day doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. At the end of my days, what do I have to show for all my work? A messy house, a lot of whining kids, and not much else. Sometimes the laundry is all folded and put away. Sometimes I manage to actually cook dinner (as opposed to making my family eat sandwiches again). But most days I have two angry children (because who really wants to do homework anyway?), a sink full of dishes (because cleaning out the dishwasher is the most detested chore of all the jobs I give my children so it almost NEVER gets done), a list of everything I needed to do that day that I never got around to (that list just grows and grows), and I am emotionally spent.
I wonder what, exactly, I thought motherhood was going to be. Why, precisely, I thought this was something I would actually want and enjoy. There are sweet, precious moments that make up for a lot, but they are simply too few and far between to tide me over. My emotional stamina is not capable of maintaining the happy, cheerful demeanor I have been led to believe comes “naturally” to mothers.
I wonder what to do with myself. How to keep myself going when I feel so utterly and completely drained. I sometimes fantasize about running away. Or dying. I wonder if I should get a job. Something that would give me the kind of fulfillment I’m not finding in my current position. And I wish I had waited and spent some time focusing on me before I had my children. I wish I had learned what I like and who I am and what I want to BE instead of just doing what I thought I was supposed to do and what was expected of me. Because now, it feels like it is too late.
Call me horrible if you must. Call me a terrible nurturer or a failed Mother. But one thing you can’t call me is a liar. Being a parent is hard. Being the parent that stays home with the children is a tough gig. And regardless of the effort I put into this, it is a thankless job.
If you are a person who completely disagrees with everything I’ve said, I applaud you. You have done what I can’t. You amaze and astound me. However, if you, like me, feel less than fulfilled and less than thrilled at the role you play, know you are not alone. Know that there are others who understand. Know that the happy faces you see are not always true faces. You are one of many, and there is no shame in the way you feel. You are human and important, too. Don’t ever forget that.
Christine, I applaud you because you are HONEST. You are right, most people/mothers wouldn’t fess up to that, but I think we all feel the way at times. The day in-day out stuff sometimes just feels like it’s Groundhog day over and over again! I know I have those days too, Christine, and what gets me through those days is having “me” time when kids are bed so I can relax (which often means working on stuff that I didn’t get done that day, but hey, at least I can accomplish those things in peace and quiet, right?! 😉 For me, what helps too is to have outlets. Daily exercise is a good outlet for me, not only physically, but mentally. I feel like I can get through the day better when I’ve done that and taken care of myself. But I also like to “work” here and there too, it makes me feel like I’m doing more than just being a mom.
So, I relate to you, even if only a little, Christine and I commend you for putting it all out there. To quote Elder Holland,
“Don’t give up.
Don’t you quit.
You keep walking.
You keep trying.
There is help and happiness ahead.
You keep your chin up.
It will be alright in the end.
Trust in God and believe in good things to come.”
Love you Christine!
Thank you for the quote from Elder Holland, Christina. It’s a good reminder.
Thanks, Christina. It’s so reaffirming to hear that I am NOT the only one who has days like this. And that I’m not the only one who needs more from time to time. You are such an amazing woman and I aspire to have your energy and optimism. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.
Oh this post is so heartfelt and honest. I completely understand how you feel and am so in awe of your courage to admit your feelings. Sometimes I feel like being a mother is one never ending judgement. Like no matter what you do or what choices you make someone will always make you feel like it’s not enough. Like you said being a mother is hard. I think people only like to portray the good which can make everyone else feel inadequate and alone. I wish being a mother could be more of a “team” effort where we support each other and help each other instead of putting each other down for parenting in a different way. I admire your honesty. It’s a refreshing change and makes me feel like I’m not alone in not feeling like the perfect Suzie homemaker. Stay strong. There is always hope somewhere. Hugs!
Heather, I agree – people only talk about the good parts of being a parent/mother. You don’t hear the hard parts often enough, and then when you find yourself going through them you wonder (at least I did) what is wrong with YOU and why your children aren’t as wonderful as other people’s kids, and why you can’t seem to enjoy changing diapers and cleaning up vomit and getting kicked in the gut during a tantrum and breaking up constant fights the way the other mothers seem to. That happy face (I like to call it the “church face”) can leave those of us with tough emotions about parenthood feeling even more inadequate. I’m here to say that it is just exactly that – a “church face” – and I suspect that for the majority of parents, it isn’t the typical or normal. You are most certainly NOT alone. Thanks for reading and supporting me.
Yes! And seeking someone to talk to about how you’re feeling becomes a hot mess because you don’t know who, if anyone, won’t judge you or tell you you’re nuts. Seriously I find it so hard to wake up every day knowing it’s just more bottles to wash, more laundry, more dishes, more cleaning, more diapers… It seems like a never ending Groundhog’s day. I have yet to find much, if anything, that even speaks of feeling dissatisfied as a mother. The only thing anyone talks about is post partum depression but that is just not what it is. *sigh… I can say that since finding your blog it has helped me so much to know I’m not alone or going crazy. I feel so blessed to have found this and am so glad you are sharing your feelings with the rest of the world. If nothing else is helping me tremendously. I think of you often and pray for you and your family. Thanks again for your honesty. 🙂
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers, and for all your comments on my blog posts. I can’t tell you how freeing it is for me to know people actually read, understand, and IDENTIFY with what I write. I have felt alone in my feelings for too long. I can only imagine how many others there are who have those same feelings and, like you said, don’t know where to turn for fear of judgement. Some people find fulfillment and joy from what we do, and some don’t. I just can’t see how anyone can fault either party for their feelings. Feelings are valid, no matter what they are.
I agree. It’s like any “job” some will love it and some won’t. We don’t judge someone because they hated working somewhere while someone else loved it. Why would we judge others for how we feel about other “jobs” that we take on as we go through life. I wish people would just keep an open mind so that we could help each other and wouldn’t be so afraid to admit what we’re really feeling. I, like you, wonder how many others are out there feeling trapped and desperate for hope but don’t find it. I know for me if I hadn’t read this I probably wouldn’t have ever said anything about how I feel because all the people I know seem to be happy homemakers. The kind who always seem to have a clean house, are well dressed, have well behaved kids and manage to have time to get dinner made, the crafts done and all their other obligations accomplished each day. HA HA HA. I know that you won’t always know what’s going on with others lives but it’s hard to admit you’re having a hard time when everyone else seems blissfully happy. Truly, thank you for sharing your feelings. Your blog is already helping me out more than you’ll ever know. Thank you. HUGS!
When my kids were younger, I felt that way almost every day, too. I remember hearing someone tell me once that that was exactly why she went back to work. At the time I felt like that was a cop-out, but now I think maybe she understood her limits and did what she needed to do in order to survive. The good news for me was that once mine were both in full-time school, things started to get better, I didn’t feel the sense of failure quite as frequently. Now that they are older, it is incredibly better. It is still REALLY hard sometimes, and when I’m in those hard times, I often feel like no one understands. Children are hard, but children with disabilities or gifts are so much harder. Teens are hard in a different way, but teens with disabilities or gifts can stretch you immensely. There have been many things that have happened when I have had no one to turn to except the Lord. That’s hard, because sometimes you just need to have someone to talk to here, too.
I don’t know if it ever completely gets better. You and I will never have “normal” children, and we’ll probably never be “normal” parents. But if your parenting mirrors mine at all, it WILL start to feel a little better when C is in school full-time. And when that blessed day comes that you’re not driving carpool all day or sitting in appointments (and it WILL come), you will start to find out who YOU are, what YOU like, and you will feel some fulfillment. I love you. Thank you for your posts.
Thank you, Lori. You inspire and encourage me in a way no one ever has before. I’m so thankful to know you understand, and that you have been through things like this before, and that you love me. I know it won’t be like this forever. And somehow I will make it through. There’s really no other option that I’m willing to seriously entertain (though they do run through my mind from time to time – I will admit that). You are right – my children will never be “normal” and therefore neither will my parenting experience. I think the honesty has been the biggest relief to me which is why there are so many RAW emotions in some of these posts. It helps so incredibly much to know there are people who are “hearing” how I really feel. It is so freeing. So thanks for reading and caring.
I could have written this post myself, actually. Up until recently, I have not liked motherhood at all. I love my kids, but I don’t like taking care of htem. I used to fantasize about checking myself into a mental hospital, or a homeless shelter, just so I could be alone and not have to take care of anyone. and I felt so trapped, I couldn’t get a job that would pay enough to allow me to put the kids in day care.
I feel like in the end, I do a pretty good job of it, I do my best anyway, I try very hard never to let the kids know that I hate my job (taking care of them), it’s not their fault after all. It cost me very little to paste on a smile and play chutes and ladders, if I can tolerate it, or to read green eggs and ham again, and again, and again. They need to know I love them and that’s how they learn it. But I also found I had to be honest about my feeling about motherhood somewhere, to someone, or I’d explode. I was so shocked to discover how very much I hated it. And it is through sharing my frustration with friends like you that I can manage to be kind and loving to my dear innocent children.
Now that my kids are older, now that they are all in school, I like it much better. I sometimes think I should home school, but then I remember that I’d have to kill myself if I did. And now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life, and do the hard job of following through on something. I think I’m going to get that master’s degree. Truly. Now I just need to actually do something to make that happen.
You aren’t alone, truly. There are women out there who truly do enjoy motherhood, but even most of them struggle with parts of it. Still those moms like you and I, we are pretty common too, shocked at how much we hate the job, but doing the best we can to make sure our kids are clothed and fed and know that we love them.