Raw and unfiltered. Sorry.
The pile of things I’m carrying around is getting too heavy for me to carry. It just feels like there’s too much, and I’m simply not capable enough of doing enough for enough people. It’s crushing me right now and I’m exhausted and feeling pretty hopeless about it all. So I’ve spent the morning laying in bed. Which is not helpful either. But I can’t muster the energy to even think about what I need to do, much less do anything about it. My kids are sick, again. And parent teacher conference last night for my son was a new heap of responsibility for me to come up with some fantastic homework that he will enjoy and that will engage him and keep him from getting into more trouble at school.
And then the therapist says we are likely looking at high functioning autism. Which is just lovely. One more thing. But, I guess we’ve been dealing with it all these years anyway, without having a name for it. So this should be a good thing, because this supposedly means that we can get a real diagnosis, which should (in theory) lead to us qualifying for more services and more specialized care assuming we can get someone qualified who will diagnose this. But we’ve been to all kinds of specialists for YEARS and nobody has been willing to diagnose that. So it just feels like another huge load to carry, and like I’ve got to find the right doctors (again – as though we haven’t seen enough already) and get someone to believe me when I say there is *something* that just doesn’t add up.
And I’m feeling less than stellar about the fact that I’m working. I love my job, but it’s not working out well with the kids being sick and now me feeling like I’m being told (again) that the best thing for my children would be for me to homeschool them. I don’t have that in me. So yet again I am a failure at that as well. And so I feel terrible, like I’m too selfish because I am working instead of devoting all my time to my children and making sure that they get the very best education possible (in a world that is NOT made to be friendly or accommodating to them in the least) and I just feel like a terrible person, a rotten mother, and I feel too exhausted and overwhelmed to even be able to figure out where to start with all this mess.
I’m tired. I’m tired, and I’m stressed, and I’m just feeling pretty darn hopeless right now. It sucks and I don’t know what to do about any of it.
It occurs to me that perhaps I haven’t taken my medication much this week. That would probably be helpful. And that I haven’t eaten yet today. Which isn’t beneficial to my mood either. Self care suffers when I feel like there are too many things. And when my self care suffers, so does everything else.
I SO understand. You are telling the story of my life. And, I would comfort/commiserate with you, but I am off to another one of those same dr.’s appointments. Consequently, talking to someone who understands how you feel a little and how overwhelming it all is and how there really seems to be no beneficial answer or really any path that will truly help the child….but you already understand. And so I leave you (for now) with I am so very very sorry because I feel and understand the crushing feelings of failure and hopelessness, but do know that I think of you often; I pray for strength for you; I love you and you are my shining example when I can’t go on with the challenges that I face. You have always held a special place in my heart, and I know that I am not nearly as good at keeping in contact with anyone, but it is just one more thing to add to the never ending list of things that should be done but I just don’t have the time nor the energy to do them all.
Love you. Wish I could wave my magic wand and make things easier.
It has been hard. It will continue to be hard.
But I’m with you all the way. We’ll get through it, one step – one day at a time.
*hugs*
— Kimball
When you feel like this ,call me we can go for a walk we do not have to talk.
I maybe not be in your age group, but I need fresh air, and I need to eat we could have lunch. Please do not run yourself down so much. I am sure you can give your self a pat on the back , each day for just trying. Have you not met other Mothers who could understand you and who you could visit. I am here until Monday then I go to see my daughters in Utah for Easter. Pray and Pray and Pray again. I do this often when I feel Low. All the best. Sue Bonny
I know how you feel, Christine. One constant of this life is difficulties, trials, and the constant feeling that I can’t get it all done, and there’s not enough of me to give, combined with a healthy dose of I’m not good enough. It sucks, but it’s part of life.
And occasionally, there are really good parts too.
I’m finding lately that the trials are the Lord’s way of getting me to give up and disconnect from the less-important and focus more on the truly important. Yes, I’m often compelled to be humble, because I’m not all that good at humbling myself yet. But bit by bit, layer by layer, a lot of the excess and garbage is getting stripped away. I feel like it’s all heading somewhere, and at the end of that road I’ll find a version of myself who is not independent at all, but rather utterly dependent upon grace moment by moment.
And that grace is sufficient.
I’m not trying to compare my trials to yours by any stretch. Rather, I’m just trying to be encouraging. There’s a reason for all this, and it does get better.
I was homeschooled and whoever is telling you that you should homeschool your children really should not be. I also adopted some very abused children, in my case I needed the support, knowledge, resources of public school. I love your brutal honesty and wish I could come meet you and bring you some dinner or something