Last night, I had one of those nights when everything seems too overwhelming. Spent a good long while sobbing in my sweet husband’s arms. There is just too much expected of me, and too much I don’t know how to fix for my children, and too much for my continued bravery. And so I broke down, after watching the first episode of Parenthood (as recommended by a blog post), and the weight of what I’m dealing with all came crashing down around me. There is something going on, and I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know if I will find the answers I’m searching for in the avenues I am pursuing at the moment.
And just HOW, exactly, and I supposed to know what to do, or how to do it, or even the right place to look for answers? HOW?
And so I cried. And the little things seemed huge, and the big things seemed life-changing, and it all seemed more than I can possibly be capable of dealing with.
All the tears haven’t been released. I sit here typing this on the verge of tears again. I know I don’t know the answers. I know I don’t know where to turn.
But I also know I am trying. And I have to believe that is enough. If I was supposed to know what to do, this child would have come with an owner’s manual. She didn’t. None of them did.
Something big with each of my kids, and while one is beginning to work itself through, the other two seem still so overwhelming that it almost beats me down just thinking about it.
And then on top of that, there’s all the things I’m “supposed” to be doing. All the extras besides what I have decided are the necessities. And there is not enough time in my day to do them all. Or even most of them. Some days, not enough time to even do some or even just one of the extras. Those days, I’m lucky if I manage to do anything besides take care of myself, take care of my marriage, and take care of my children. Those are the necessities, and if that means that the list of extras (reading the Relief Society manual before church on Sunday, for instance, or getting those *#%@ Christmas decorations put away finally, or getting to the store to buy more milk since we are out AGAIN) doesn’t even make it on my radar, then so be it. I have decided not to let anyone (especially myself) guilt me into doing more than I can. It just isn’t going to work. I have to have some sanity, and the rest of these things, while good and worthwhile, just have to take a back seat. Like WAY back. And that has to be ok. It is hard to convince myself of that, but I know it has to be that way. Someday I may be able to read that church lesson before I get there. Someday I may actually have time to weed the yard or steam out the marker stains in the carpet. Someday I may even have the energy to do my visiting teaching again (*gasp*). But for now, I have to do what I absolutely need to, and if I have anything left over at the end of the day, then a few of the highest priority items might make it on my list of “done” as well.
Somehow, barely making it through has to be enough. So please, if you are on my list of extras (I’m sorry you have to be on the extra list and not the necessity list) then please understand that I do care, and I do want to do what I am supposed to be doing for you, but also please know that I am barely keeping my head above water. I haven’t forgotten you. I won’t ever forget you. But I may not be the best at doing what you expect me to. And a few of my tears are for you.