Raw and unfiltered. Sorry.
The pile of things I’m carrying around is getting too heavy for me to carry. It just feels like there’s too much, and I’m simply not capable enough of doing enough for enough people. It’s crushing me right now and I’m exhausted and feeling pretty hopeless about it all. So I’ve spent the morning laying in bed. Which is not helpful either. But I can’t muster the energy to even think about what I need to do, much less do anything about it. My kids are sick, again. And parent teacher conference last night for my son was a new heap of responsibility for me to come up with some fantastic homework that he will enjoy and that will engage him and keep him from getting into more trouble at school.
And then the therapist says we are likely looking at high functioning autism. Which is just lovely. One more thing. But, I guess we’ve been dealing with it all these years anyway, without having a name for it. So this should be a good thing, because this supposedly means that we can get a real diagnosis, which should (in theory) lead to us qualifying for more services and more specialized care assuming we can get someone qualified who will diagnose this. But we’ve been to all kinds of specialists for YEARS and nobody has been willing to diagnose that. So it just feels like another huge load to carry, and like I’ve got to find the right doctors (again – as though we haven’t seen enough already) and get someone to believe me when I say there is *something* that just doesn’t add up.
And I’m feeling less than stellar about the fact that I’m working. I love my job, but it’s not working out well with the kids being sick and now me feeling like I’m being told (again) that the best thing for my children would be for me to homeschool them. I don’t have that in me. So yet again I am a failure at that as well. And so I feel terrible, like I’m too selfish because I am working instead of devoting all my time to my children and making sure that they get the very best education possible (in a world that is NOT made to be friendly or accommodating to them in the least) and I just feel like a terrible person, a rotten mother, and I feel too exhausted and overwhelmed to even be able to figure out where to start with all this mess.
I’m tired. I’m tired, and I’m stressed, and I’m just feeling pretty darn hopeless right now. It sucks and I don’t know what to do about any of it.
It occurs to me that perhaps I haven’t taken my medication much this week. That would probably be helpful. And that I haven’t eaten yet today. Which isn’t beneficial to my mood either. Self care suffers when I feel like there are too many things. And when my self care suffers, so does everything else.